How to handle emotions about the cheating spouse

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Hi Everyone,

Marriages can be complicated and, when one spouse is "cheating," things can get even more challenging. Nancy Morris shares such a case with us and shows how she used EFT to generate healthy perceptions. She says, "Mary was actually laughing by the end of our session and talking about the ideas she had to help herself grow through this difficult time...."

Hugs, Gary

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By Nancy Morris

Mary called me very upset about her marriage.  She had recently discovered that her husband had been lying to her and had been "seeing other women".  She felt betrayed, angry, and hurt.

We worked through the incident where she learned about his lying.  Her intensity was at an 8 on a scale of 0-10 as we began.  Mary said her main feeling was anger at his betrayal so we began with the setup phrase:  Even though I feel really angry...  Then tapping through the points with reminder phrases:

Eyebrow:  This anger,

Side of Eye:  Of course I'm angry,

Under Eye:  This anger at his betrayal

Under Nose:  This anger

Chin:  What a shitty thing he did

Collarbone:  This anger

Under Arm:  It's understandable that I'm angry

Top of Head:  All this anger.

We worked her anger down from an 8 intensity to a 4 quite easily, and then suspecting that there was deep sadness under the anger I added "This sadness" to the reminder phrases.  Mary began crying as we continued to tap and very quickly the intensity came down to a 0.

Mary said that her impulse was to leave him, but on the other hand she still loved her husband and they were finally having honest conversations about their relationship for the first time in many years.  She felt confused as to what to do next and was making herself wrong for this confusion.

So we began with this setup: Even though I'm confused about what to do next…

Reminder Phrases:

Eyebrow:  This confusion,

Side of Eye:  I'm really confused,

Under Eye:  I don't know what I want,

Under Nose:  This confusion

Chin:  I don't know what to do,

Collarbone:  This confusion,

Under Arm:  It's all part of my process,

Top of Head:  This confusion.

We did another round:

Eyebrow:  This confusion,

Side of Eye: I love and accept my confusion, for now.

Under Eye:  This confusion

Under Nose:  We've been married a long time,

Chin:  I choose to love and nurture myself during this time of confusion,

Collarbone:  I don't know what to do right now,

Under Arm:  It's all part of my process,

Top of Head:  This confusion.

By the end of this round Mary was smiling.  She saw and felt how normal it was to be confused in her situation and it no longer felt bad to her.  Now that her hurt and anger at her husband had been calmed, she felt that the wise thing to do would be to take time; to not rush into anything.

GD COMMENT: Another approach to this issue is to ask the client, "What does this situation remind you of?" or "When did you feel cheated before?" Questions like this often pull up foundational issues.

We did a couple more rounds of tapping alternating between the phrases: "This confusion" and "I choose to love and nurture myself."  Mary was actually laughing by the end of our session and talking about the ideas she had to help herself grow through this difficult time and how she could best love and nurture herself so that she could make the best decision possible when the time felt right.

Nancy A. Morris, EFT-ADV

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